Yesterday "Little" (who is almost 11 months old) and I were standing on the sidewalk with her Grandmother (Big's mom) and two other women I had just met only minutes prior. Then a man came out of their house and without even an introduction walked straight up to me and grabbed her out of my arms. With in seconds she was full blown crying with big tears rolling down her beautiful little face looking at me like "OMG Mom...what **** is happening?". This is when everyone that was standing around started smiling and/or laughing. Now of course, I reached out for her immediately and it took this guy a couple of seconds to concede to me and let me have her back. Within a few moments she had stopped crying but was still breathing heavy and still had tears in her eyes. This is when the man said while laughing "Oh come on, see, she wasn't scared at all. If she had really be scared then she would still be crying right now." What was so funny about this? Why was everyone enjoying this so much? I didn't think it was funny and she clearly didn't think it was amusing in any way!
Now if your your baby isn't crying and seems OK with it then by all means let them hold your baby if you want.
But let's review the situation where your baby is clearly unhappy with what's happening and the only way of letting you and everyone around know that is by crying.
So, if your baby is now crying for you while they are in someone else's arms what do you do?
Why do people feel the need to hold babies that aren't theirs?
An even bigger question...why do some people think its OK to just walk up and grab a baby from it's mother?
And why to people think it's so funny and amusing to watch a baby start crying or get extremely uncomfortable when they are taken out of their mom or dad's arms?
I go back to the idea of showing the same respect to every being on this planet with the kind of respect that you would want to be shown as well. With that said, do you want a stranger to come up to you and grab you, put their arm around you or otherwise physically touch you? I bet 99% of you would answer NO to that question.
So why do some people think it's OK to do that to a baby?
Just because she is a baby doesn't mean that respect for her personal space should just go out the window.
Just because he is a baby doesn't mean that he needs to "learn" to be held by people other than his parents.
Just because he is a baby doesn't mean that he needs to cry in your arms so he can "learn" to like you.
Just because she is a baby doesn't mean that she is now an object that needs to be passed around from one person to the next.
Would you be OK with that? Even if these people are family...to that little baby any person who is not Mom, Dad or their immediate caregiver is still a "stranger" to them. They don't know that you are related or what related even means (and even if he did that doesn't make it OK for you to walk up and grab him without him being alright with it...does it?)
Just because he is a baby doesn't mean that he needs to "learn" to be held by people other than his parents.
Just because he is a baby doesn't mean that he needs to cry in your arms so he can "learn" to like you.
Just because she is a baby doesn't mean that she is now an object that needs to be passed around from one person to the next.
Would you be OK with that? Even if these people are family...to that little baby any person who is not Mom, Dad or their immediate caregiver is still a "stranger" to them. They don't know that you are related or what related even means (and even if he did that doesn't make it OK for you to walk up and grab him without him being alright with it...does it?)
Now if your your baby isn't crying and seems OK with it then by all means let them hold your baby if you want.
But let's review the situation where your baby is clearly unhappy with what's happening and the only way of letting you and everyone around know that is by crying.
So, if your baby is now crying for you while they are in someone else's arms what do you do?
Do you let them continue to hold your baby while he still keeps crying so as not to offend them by taking your child back?
Or do you immediately get your baby so she knows that you are there to make her feel comfortable and safe under any circumstance?
Does your answer change if it's an immediate family member this is happening with?
Or do you immediately get your baby so she knows that you are there to make her feel comfortable and safe under any circumstance?
Does your answer change if it's an immediate family member this is happening with?
Personally I don't understand why you wouldn't rather sit next to said baby and interact with them while they are laughing, smiling and playing instead of needing to hold them while they are crying. Selfish is the word that comes into my mind every time. Obviously if the baby is upset it is not benefiting her in any way. It's about you doing what is making you feel good. Selfish.
Does the act of physically holding a baby really create a bond even when the baby is clearly not happy about it?
I have to wonder if when people do this its really more about control. Maybe not consciously but unconsciously if it's giving them a feeling of control over another being that can't do anything about. It's just adding a little more fuel to their "Ego Tank" that is forever needing to be filled up.
There is a lot of control involved. In our culture, babies are manipulative little demons who need to learn their role and submit to the will and authority of everyone else. Our culture also doesn't view babies as human enough. Society sees babies as an inconvenience that must be managed, rather than an actual human with valid emotions. That's why it's widely acceptable to leave a baby crying alone in a bedroom despite the fact that most people wouldn't let their friends cry alone.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of people do come from a good place of just wanting to hold a baby. You asked why anyone would want to hold a baby. I ask, why wouldn't you? Babies represent a lot of good things such as innocence and hope and it just plain feels good to hold them - even if they don't belong to you. When I let someone hold my baby, you can see the tension ease out of their faces and their eyes just light up. Babies touch souls like that.
Now, there is no way in hell I'm handing my screaming baby over to anyone. I don't mind if someone asks, but my answer depends on my relationship with the person and my daughter's emotional state at the time. My daughter is 11 months old. A few months ago, she would happily go to anyone. Now, she is in that normal stage of development that brings along separation anxiety so there are very few people she'll tolerate. She's happy to wave to and talk to everyone from my arms, though.
I don't ask to hold babies. I wait and see if the parent offers. If a babe seemed uncomfortable with me there is no way I would force him/her to stay in my arms.
Now, I am a peaceful parent to my children. However, I am not a peaceful person to douchebags. Had someone yanked my baby from my arms, I would take my baby back and then proceed to lay that person out. I'm a bitch like that. What that man did was disrespectful.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment on this subject! When I ask why anyone would want to hold a baby it wasn't in general it was in reference to needing to hold a baby who clearly didn't want to be held by you. (maybe I didn't communicate that well...)
DeleteI don't have any problem with people holding babies or wanting to hold babies. I get that they are amazing creatures that can help bring peace and joy into one's life just be being in their presence. However, I don't think it's anyone's "right" to hold a baby that isn't theirs unless they have approval from the parent(s) and just as important from the baby his or herself.
It's definitely not anyone's right to hold a baby that isn't their own. :-)
DeleteI told family and friends NO when they asked to hold my first child. My second child was miserable with colic and GERD for the first 3 months of her life and I often wished someone else would hold her but they would've gotten puked on and she would have been miserable. I wore her all day and slept with her on my chest at night while I sat up in bed all night. In-laws would insist she was uncomfortable in the sling and I would take her out and she would wake up, scream and puke and then I would breastfeed her to soothe her and she would fall back to sleep in the sling. They just never figured it out.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had such a struggle with #2! I love keeping "Little" in her mai tie and she is so happy and comfortable there especially when we are out and about. But I've gotten the same "request" to take her out of there.
DeleteI think a lot of this has to do with past generations..or so it seems. I am one that never really wanted to hold anyone's baby...even when offered. But if you go to my DH's side of the family? They will take a baby from its mother as soon as they walk into a room. They will also just about force you to hold a baby. My SIL gave birth last December...my MIL was beside herself that after leaving the hospital I had not held my nephew.
ReplyDeleteYes I have that same thing happen....my MIL started trying to grab "Little" from me the second we walked into her house. "Little" would immediately freak out and want to come back to me. (obviously if "Little" didn't cry and was OK with it I'd have no problem with her being held!) Still at 11 months old now we have the same situation and it's a struggle because she wants to hold her but I won't let "Little" cry in her arms just to meet her need to hold her grandchild. I feel bad about it but I just hope they can find a way to bond because it's not working this way.
DeleteI agree with you for the most part, but I give if my LO starts crying, I give the person holding her the chance to calm her down and soothe her, meet her needs if necessary. If they can't within a few minutes, then she comes back to mom or dad. I'm trying to teach her social skills and that she's safe with someone else caring for her.
ReplyDelete